Thursday, January 31, 2013

My thoughts

I hate when I have nights like this.  My mind never seems to just shut down and stop the insane thoughts!  I start thinking of my life and they are all questions that weigh VERY heavy on my mind.

How can I continue being a single widowed mother of ADHD/Autistic twin sons?

What will tomorrow bring for us?

Do I really think I can raise these boys all by myself?

Will I really be able to get all this weight off?

Why does all this seem so impossible for me?

Can I continue living my life alone?

How will I keep all the bills paid if something bad happens?

So many questions and no answers which is very frustrating!

I need to learn how to to shut off and block the negative thoughts and turn them around into positive thoughts!

One Day (One Thought) At A Time!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday Weigh-In...

Morning my friends!! I just did my weigh-in and I am down another 2.6 lbs bringing my total lost to 14.2 lbs!


Slow and steady wins the race! ♥

Did you weigh in today?  If so share your success or struggle here and hold yourself accountable.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hello and Welcome Part 2

I was contemplating the ultimate disaster! I sought help as quickly as I could because I hated the way I was feeling toward the boys, my husband and myself. Medication after medication tried and no luck! I was in deep talk therapy on a bi-weekly basis and it helped a little but not enough. Then I started seeing a psychiatrist on a monthly basis because that was all I could afford after all the financial changes we went through settled. I was OK but still FAR FROM 100%. Medications still were not working and I cried all the time!!

When the boys first started Pre-K. Talk about being a nervous Nelly!! I was terrified of that. I knew they had a few issues and the biggest one was not being potty trained. Then they started acting up in school and a counselor suggested getting them tested for ADHD. I had them tested and when the Dr said "Have you ever had them tested for Autism?" I was highly offended!! I thought "My boys are not stupid! How dare you!!" Again my depression was in over drive. I went home and felt so helpless. I finally caved and had them tested for Autism and when they told me that they were in fact Autistic, I was CRUSHED. In deep denial, angry, sad, trapped, stuck, helpless, depressed, terrified....and every other emotion that was humanly possible. I was angry at the boys, my husband, GOD, the world, myself!!!

Eating was the one and only thing I could do and not feel any emotions about. I could shovel the food in and it made me feel better! It felt wonderful to have one thing in my life that made me feel so good....I never thought about what it was doing to me physically.

Right after the boys diagnosis came my husband's illness. Again depression but this time I kinda sorta tried to bounce back quickly. I figured of anyone was going to be sick, might as well not be me!! I had to stay healthy and alive to take care of the boys and hubby. I started WW again and managed to knock off 75 lbs while the boys were in Kindergarten. I had no idea just how short lived that would become for me. Sadly after having a kidney removed and returning to work and living life as normally as we were, my husband still got really bad and ended up becoming completely dependant on me!! Back off the wagon I fell right off the wagon. I got so consumed with taking care of everyone that I completely forgot about myself.

Pounds came on faster than I thought possible and I felt trapped in my own self destructive death by eating suicide!!

After my hubby's death in November 2011 I tried going back to WW and lost a total of 5.....maybe 7lbs before throwing in the towel so quick that it felt so out of my reach and not possible at all!!

So here I am 14 months after his death and I am over 120+lbs over weight. I am morbidly obese and I need to make quick changes in order to have a chance to see my boys graduate from high school & college, get married and meet my grand kids. Every single ache and pain and all the agony of being overweight is a sign that NOW IS THE TIME!!! It's DO OR DIE!!!

No one or nothing is gonna stop me!!

I started Weight Watchers AGAIN on Jan 7, 2013 and I have done fairly well for my first week in and am excited to see what my weigh-in on Sunday reveals! Good or bad, I am not letting it derail me this time....I am on track and I am stronger than ever this time. I am choosing to live healthy for life!!

Thanks for reading! HUGS

This is me 1 week after I REstarted my journey 1~13~13

This is me on 1~26~13
It's been over 2 years since I was able to even zip this coat let alone wear it!!  It felt AWESOME!!

Hello and Welcome Part 1

Hi there and thanks for stopping by my blog.  I would love to tell you about myself and I hope it will inspire you to share your story with us as well.

I am battling with M&M's!! Not the candy but the Mindless Munchies! I am addicted to sugar, salt and EVERYTHING in between!! I snack at night and it's almost never anything good for you. My snacks range from candy bars (2 or 3) then some chips big or small bags, whatever is on hand, soda and anything that is considered junk to take "the edge" off. What edge I am trying to take off I still haven't ...figured out but when I do, I am boxing it and shipping it to China!!

I am over 100+ over weight (hanging head LOOOWWWWWW) because the past 8 years have been just one emotional roller coaster after another. I think I started to fall off the wagon before getting pregnant with the boys. I had lost 124+ lbs on weight watchers and was doing well and then BOOM.....I said to myself "I lost all this weight and haven't had a danish in over 2 years. I bought it and ate it, then ate another. That is when I fell!! I started getting the danish more and more often until I packed on 40 lbs over again.

I was ready to go back to living healthy and found I was 6 weeks pregnant. Then I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with twins and BOOM I was a bit upset but happy that they were healthy so far!! I knew from that moment on I would never be able to live life the way I used to. It wouldn't ever be about ME again EVER!!!! At 4 months pregnant my body could no longer handle working in the outdoor elements and it was strained so my Dr signed me out of work and put me on consistent home bed rest. It was for the best interest of the babies! I became extremely depressed about the unwanted changes that the pregnancy was forcing on me!! As much as I wanted to see the babies, there were honestly days I wanted to go to a Planned Parenthood and say "just get rid of them so I can live MY LIFE FOR ME AGAIN!!"

The only thing I found about being home and pregnant with twins on consistent bed rest was eating for three at every single meal. My husband cooked for us because it was just too hard for me to move around. And boy did he FEED US!! For instance, making chicken cutlets one night and instead of serving me 1 or 2 cutlets...he would serve me 4 of them and guess what, I ate every single one of them after all, I was eating for 3!!! ALL of my healthy habits that I formed on WW 2 years ago were out the window. This was my opportunity to eat and boy did I eat!! I think the ONLY thing that kept my fat cells from expanding faster than our national debt was the amount of water that I was drinking. I would drink about 2 gallons a day. Guess what I still ended up in the hospital with dehydration once. I could almost swim to the hospital that night but I managed to become dehydrated!!

I gave birth to the sons on September 3rd, 2004 and lost over 50lbs just delivering twins! I asked the Dr if I could do it 2 more times and he just laughed and said "sorry no more stand-by's!"

When I got home and found out how difficult life was becoming I became even more depressed to the point that I wanted to harm the boys or me. I couldn't find it in my heart to hurt either of the boys and I was too chicken shit to do it to myself so I started to thinking about suicide. At first I tried to find the most painless way to just get it over with and every time I found a way to do it that didn't involve a huge mess or any pain I would look at the boys and say to myself "you aren't doing this to you, you are doing this to them!! You do this and they will live with "your Mom killed herself because you were born!" for the rest of their lives!" and I couldn't do it. I was desperate to end my life but just couldn't do it to them!!