I am over 100+ over weight (hanging head LOOOWWWWWW) because the past 8 years have been just one emotional roller coaster after another. I think I started to fall off the wagon before getting pregnant with the boys. I had lost 124+ lbs on weight watchers and was doing well and then BOOM.....I said to myself "I lost all this weight and haven't had a danish in over 2 years. I bought it and ate it, then ate another. That is when I fell!! I started getting the danish more and more often until I packed on 40 lbs over again.
I was ready to go back to living healthy and found I was 6 weeks pregnant. Then I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with twins and BOOM I was a bit upset but happy that they were healthy so far!! I knew from that moment on I would never be able to live life the way I used to. It wouldn't ever be about ME again EVER!!!! At 4 months pregnant my body could no longer handle working in the outdoor elements and it was strained so my Dr signed me out of work and put me on consistent home bed rest. It was for the best interest of the babies! I became extremely depressed about the unwanted changes that the pregnancy was forcing on me!! As much as I wanted to see the babies, there were honestly days I wanted to go to a Planned Parenthood and say "just get rid of them so I can live MY LIFE FOR ME AGAIN!!"
The only thing I found about being home and pregnant with twins on consistent bed rest was eating for three at every single meal. My husband cooked for us because it was just too hard for me to move around. And boy did he FEED US!! For instance, making chicken cutlets one night and instead of serving me 1 or 2 cutlets...he would serve me 4 of them and guess what, I ate every single one of them after all, I was eating for 3!!! ALL of my healthy habits that I formed on WW 2 years ago were out the window. This was my opportunity to eat and boy did I eat!! I think the ONLY thing that kept my fat cells from expanding faster than our national debt was the amount of water that I was drinking. I would drink about 2 gallons a day. Guess what I still ended up in the hospital with dehydration once. I could almost swim to the hospital that night but I managed to become dehydrated!!
I gave birth to the sons on September 3rd, 2004 and lost over 50lbs just delivering twins! I asked the Dr if I could do it 2 more times and he just laughed and said "sorry no more stand-by's!"
When I got home and found out how difficult life was becoming I became even more depressed to the point that I wanted to harm the boys or me. I couldn't find it in my heart to hurt either of the boys and I was too chicken shit to do it to myself so I started to thinking about suicide. At first I tried to find the most painless way to just get it over with and every time I found a way to do it that didn't involve a huge mess or any pain I would look at the boys and say to myself "you aren't doing this to you, you are doing this to them!! You do this and they will live with "your Mom killed herself because you were born!" for the rest of their lives!" and I couldn't do it. I was desperate to end my life but just couldn't do it to them!!