Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hello and Welcome Part 2

I was contemplating the ultimate disaster! I sought help as quickly as I could because I hated the way I was feeling toward the boys, my husband and myself. Medication after medication tried and no luck! I was in deep talk therapy on a bi-weekly basis and it helped a little but not enough. Then I started seeing a psychiatrist on a monthly basis because that was all I could afford after all the financial changes we went through settled. I was OK but still FAR FROM 100%. Medications still were not working and I cried all the time!!

When the boys first started Pre-K. Talk about being a nervous Nelly!! I was terrified of that. I knew they had a few issues and the biggest one was not being potty trained. Then they started acting up in school and a counselor suggested getting them tested for ADHD. I had them tested and when the Dr said "Have you ever had them tested for Autism?" I was highly offended!! I thought "My boys are not stupid! How dare you!!" Again my depression was in over drive. I went home and felt so helpless. I finally caved and had them tested for Autism and when they told me that they were in fact Autistic, I was CRUSHED. In deep denial, angry, sad, trapped, stuck, helpless, depressed, terrified....and every other emotion that was humanly possible. I was angry at the boys, my husband, GOD, the world, myself!!!

Eating was the one and only thing I could do and not feel any emotions about. I could shovel the food in and it made me feel better! It felt wonderful to have one thing in my life that made me feel so good....I never thought about what it was doing to me physically.

Right after the boys diagnosis came my husband's illness. Again depression but this time I kinda sorta tried to bounce back quickly. I figured of anyone was going to be sick, might as well not be me!! I had to stay healthy and alive to take care of the boys and hubby. I started WW again and managed to knock off 75 lbs while the boys were in Kindergarten. I had no idea just how short lived that would become for me. Sadly after having a kidney removed and returning to work and living life as normally as we were, my husband still got really bad and ended up becoming completely dependant on me!! Back off the wagon I fell right off the wagon. I got so consumed with taking care of everyone that I completely forgot about myself.

Pounds came on faster than I thought possible and I felt trapped in my own self destructive death by eating suicide!!

After my hubby's death in November 2011 I tried going back to WW and lost a total of 5.....maybe 7lbs before throwing in the towel so quick that it felt so out of my reach and not possible at all!!

So here I am 14 months after his death and I am over 120+lbs over weight. I am morbidly obese and I need to make quick changes in order to have a chance to see my boys graduate from high school & college, get married and meet my grand kids. Every single ache and pain and all the agony of being overweight is a sign that NOW IS THE TIME!!! It's DO OR DIE!!!

No one or nothing is gonna stop me!!

I started Weight Watchers AGAIN on Jan 7, 2013 and I have done fairly well for my first week in and am excited to see what my weigh-in on Sunday reveals! Good or bad, I am not letting it derail me this time....I am on track and I am stronger than ever this time. I am choosing to live healthy for life!!

Thanks for reading! HUGS

This is me 1 week after I REstarted my journey 1~13~13

This is me on 1~26~13
It's been over 2 years since I was able to even zip this coat let alone wear it!!  It felt AWESOME!!

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